Ottawa, Canada - Fresh on the tail of banning handguns, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, has initiated a ban on poutine. Poutine, a staple in Canadian diets, is French fries covered in gravy and cheese curds.
A spokesman for Trudeau issued the announcement, "Now that we've eliminated handguns, we need to look at the real big killer in Canada, eh. Far more people are dying of poutine-related heart disease than were ever killed by guns. We Canadians are usually too polite to shoot each other, but we're also too polite to say 'no' to a second helping of poutine."
Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre responded, "He's gone too far this time. The Canadian people will not put up with this. The entire food supply chain is set up around poutine. Without it, millions will starve. He'll have rioting on his hands. Does he expect us to get all of our calories from maple syrup?"
Trudeau's spokesman gave a heated response to questions on this topic, "Unfortunately, Poilievre is out of touch with the people of Canada. The people of Canada want the government in complete control of when people die. If people are hungry and out of hope, that's what our MAiD centers are for. Look, this is all the same thing. Private citizens shouldn't be killing each other with guns or themselves with poutine. It needs to be up to the government to compassionately end the lives of our citizens. The government and bears."
MAiD, or Medical Assistance in Dying, centers are suicide shops set up by the Canadian government. They are growing in popularity, but have few repeat customers.
The spokesman was also drawing on part of what Trudeau said in the recent announcement of the handgun ban, "Handguns allow smaller people, like women, to defend themselves against larger people, like men. And larger calibers even allow people to defend themselves against bears and mooses [sic]. Nothing is natural about that, and if we want to save our planet we need to put things back into their proper order, eh?"
In an attempt to put people at ease, the Canadian government has promised a new healthy alternative to poutine will be coming soon, "We can't release all the details yet, but in conjunction with our MAiD centers, we've discovered a new source of nutrition that will put a healthy twist on the Canadian classic. We're calling it Soylent Poutine."
Story by Nate Holstein