Sen. Warren Initiates Ban on Replica Weapons After Terrifying Musk Tweet

Twitter overlord, Elon Musk, once again terrorized the world this week, tweeting a photo of his bedside table covered in Coke and guns. The guns appear to be a replica of a Revolutionary War era flintlock pistol, and a prop sci-fi gun with no trigger. The Coke appears to be Diet.

"This is why we don't want Twitter in the App Store," said Apple boss Tim Cook, "This man wantonly terrorizes the firearm ignorant community, which is our most loyal customer base." Tim Cook shared a picture of a tearful young woman wearing a shirt that read, "Bear Arms are for Bears."

Senator Elizabeth Warren is moving to ban all replica guns to prevent this from happening again. "Enough is enough. Every time we have to see a flintlock pistol or musket we have to relive the early days, when white men first began to steal the land from my people."

Senator Warren also shared worries about triggerless guns, “If it doesn’t have a trigger, what even determines when it kills someone? Does it decide on its own?”

This caused fearful speculation online about Tesla developing AI weapons, and corresponding offense in the AI rights community.

Michael Bloomberg, zeroing in on the real problem, is petitioning New York City to ban Diet Coke.

Story by Nate Holstein

New Hereford Bull'O'Meter: 68%
Elon Musk did cause a stir. We believe these responses will follow in the next few days.

Offending Tweet: https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1597165510595989504

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Canadian Autocrat Trudeau Bans Poutine, Sparking Fears of Famine

Ottawa, Canada - Fresh on the tail of banning handguns, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, has initiated a ban on poutine. Poutine, a staple in Canadian diets, is French fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. A spokesman for Trudeau issued the announcement, "Now that we've eliminated handguns, we need to look at the real big killer in Canada, eh. Far more people are dying of poutine-related heart disease than were ever killed by guns. We Canadians are usually too polite to shoot each other, but we're also too polite to say 'no' to a second helping of poutine." Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre responded, "He's gone too far this time. The Canadian people will not put up with this. The entire food supply chain is set up around poutine. Without it, millions will starve. He'll have rioting on his hands. Does he expect us to get all of our calories from maple syrup?" Trudeau's spokesman gave a heated response to questions on this topic

Biden Asked to Support "Free China," Gives Away White House Dishes

As protests spread across China, and the cry for freedom rings out, many have been wondering, "Where is the voice of the American President, figurehead of freedom for the world? Are we only going to get weak statements giving vague support of the right to protest?" Now he has spoken. At a recent press event President Biden was asked, "Do you have any plans to help the Chinese people who are bravely protesting, fighting for a free China?" Biden appeared moved by the question, and wandered away from the stage. Several minutes later he came back into the room with an accomplished grin, and carried a large cardboard box to the podium. Biden spoke, "I have always, 1950, 1960s... I have supported all Asian and Chinese Americans. When I was a young man I worked with them on the railroads. The Irish and the Chinese. We were one people. You can't ship a container... a bus, or a car on a train... without an Asian American's help. So if they want free... the f

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