Sen. Warren Initiates Ban on Replica Weapons After Terrifying Musk Tweet

Twitter overlord, Elon Musk, once again terrorized the world this week, tweeting a photo of his bedside table covered in Coke and guns. The guns appear to be a replica of a Revolutionary War era flintlock pistol, and a prop sci-fi gun with no trigger. The Coke appears to be Diet.

"This is why we don't want Twitter in the App Store," said Apple boss Tim Cook, "This man wantonly terrorizes the firearm ignorant community, which is our most loyal customer base." Tim Cook shared a picture of a tearful young woman wearing a shirt that read, "Bear Arms are for Bears."

Senator Elizabeth Warren is moving to ban all replica guns to prevent this from happening again. "Enough is enough. Every time we have to see a flintlock pistol or musket we have to relive the early days, when white men first began to steal the land from my people."

Senator Warren also shared worries about triggerless guns, “If it doesn’t have a trigger, what even determines when it kills someone? Does it decide on its own?”

This caused fearful speculation online about Tesla developing AI weapons, and corresponding offense in the AI rights community.

Michael Bloomberg, zeroing in on the real problem, is petitioning New York City to ban Diet Coke.

Story by Nate Holstein

New Hereford Bull'O'Meter: 68%
Elon Musk did cause a stir. We believe these responses will follow in the next few days.

Offending Tweet: https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1597165510595989504

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Apple’s New App, iObey, Lets You Outsource Slavery

Cupertino, CA - “Everyone hates to work,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, “The long hours, the stress, the sense of accomplishment. With iObey that will be a thing of the past.” Apple is working together with the People’s Republic of China to bring the same high quality, low cost, slave labor that Apple has enjoyed for years to the ordinary iPhone user. Apple was able to show goodwill to the PRC by helping them in their efforts to shut down communication among protestors in the past few weeks. Apple says that for a low-cost subscription of a few dollars a month users will be able to outsource many common tasks: writing badly worded emails, doing math homework, and recording Tik Tok videos. “This is just the tip of the iceberg. The creativity our customers demonstrate to avoid work is limitless," said an Apple spokesman, "This also fulfills another one of our goals. Progressive young Americans have been crying out for socialism, and Apple is going to really give them a feeling for ...

Canadian Autocrat Trudeau Bans Poutine, Sparking Fears of Famine

Ottawa, Canada - Fresh on the tail of banning handguns, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, has initiated a ban on poutine. Poutine, a staple in Canadian diets, is French fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. A spokesman for Trudeau issued the announcement, "Now that we've eliminated handguns, we need to look at the real big killer in Canada, eh. Far more people are dying of poutine-related heart disease than were ever killed by guns. We Canadians are usually too polite to shoot each other, but we're also too polite to say 'no' to a second helping of poutine." Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre responded, "He's gone too far this time. The Canadian people will not put up with this. The entire food supply chain is set up around poutine. Without it, millions will starve. He'll have rioting on his hands. Does he expect us to get all of our calories from maple syrup?" Trudeau's spokesman gave a heated response to questions on this topic...

The New Hereford Times Joins the Battle

We're all in the same place. We're deluged by information, but it's harder than ever to know what's true, what's useful, or what is even good and worth knowing. That's why the prestigious New Hereford Times is starting to release our stories and opinions to the general public. Those from the city of New Hereford, in the great American state of New Hereford, are already well aware of our reputation. Our unique perspective goes to the truth beyond the facts. Pulling from New Hereford's unique talent pool, we're able to staff remote viewers, mind readers, time travelers, AI powered bots, and others with unique skills that allow us access to stories and quotes that have only been whispered behind closed doors, or haven't even been spoken aloud. Henry Hereford, Editor

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