Cupertino, CA - “Everyone hates to work,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, “The long hours, the stress, the sense of accomplishment. With iObey that will be a thing of the past.”
Apple is working together with the People’s Republic of China to bring the same high quality, low cost, slave labor that Apple has enjoyed for years to the ordinary iPhone user. Apple was able to show goodwill to the PRC by helping them in their efforts to shut down communication among protestors in the past few weeks.
Apple says that for a low-cost subscription of a few dollars a month users will be able to outsource many common tasks: writing badly worded emails, doing math homework, and recording Tik Tok videos.
“This is just the tip of the iceberg. The creativity our customers demonstrate to avoid work is limitless," said an Apple spokesman, "This also fulfills another one of our goals. Progressive young Americans have been crying out for socialism, and Apple is going to really give them a feeling for what it's like to be an elite member of the Chinese Communist Party."
Asked about the moral implications, Cook responded, “These are Chinese political prisoners. They aren’t going anywhere. Isn’t it better if we make them useful? Prisoners without work are like Coke without sugar and caffeine.”
This last comment appeared to be a poor jab at Twitter overlord Elon Musk, whose tweeted photo of Caffeine-free Diet Coke cans on his nightstand recently sparked a furor on the Internet.
Story by Nate Holstein, composed on his iPhone
While Apple does love outsourced slavery, we believe they are unlikely to share. The quotes and App are unlikely, but many of the underlying facts are sadly true.